Teatime with Sarah and Mr. Tumnus

It is not easy to be green...or peachy-pink

You know what sucks?! Being me!! Okay if you know anything about me and my writing style you should know by now that I use way too many hyperboles. However this is NOT an hyperbole! Okay you should also know by now that as laidback as I am in person, in my head I am the biggest drama queen. It fits well with the way I overanalyze every stupid thing that happens in my life. UGH!!

I didn't say my life sucks. It is simply me. Just Sarah that completely and utterly drives me CRAZY!! I don't even know where to start. When did I get to be so...blah?!! (Just because I am an English major does not mean I have to use actual words...sounds work too!) Right now I am visiting Baltimore and it is a beautiful city. Yet why do I keep waiting for my life to begin?! Sitting here in my hotel room I wonder when I will actually feel alive. I don't even want to right down the last time I felt alive, the last time I felt like there was something more to my life.

Sometimes in my gut I get this feeling that God wants me to do something. The poor Guy has to practically smack me over the head (just a wee bit better than being thrown into the belly of a whale like my equally stupid pal Jonah). Then I do it, but I do it almost hoping that midway God will pull an Abraham-Isaac situation. God's voice will cry "Sarah, you do not have to do this. Your planning has proved enough." Even as I write this, I feel like screaming "Are you flipping kidding me?!" You know why I love serving God, He requires every last bit of me. You know what I hate about being in love with God, HE REQUIRES EVERY LAST BIT OF ME. See I am very good at conserving things. When I was kid my little brother and I would each get the same amount of cookies or brownies (we knew this because we counted and screamed the number aloud. If they were not the same, heaven forbid!), but see I liked to hide my dessert and wait until after my brother had eaten his before partaking of mine. Yes I realize how childish this is, but it is also completely hilarious! I would take mine out and my brother would be like "Hey, can I have one?" And my favorite reply: "NO!" (I am a lot nicer to my brother now. Now I will gladly share my stuff with himor he will beat me to the punch and eat my restaurant leftovers before I do, so I think we are even) Basically the point of the story is I enjoy holding things back. It is a matter of pride for me. I have self-control. Control. A word I live by. The sad thing is I think I conserve things too much. I end up preserving things. One of my favorite lines from a movie is : "Sometimes God is trying to tear apart the very things we are trying to hold onto"...or in other words preserve. (This line comes from Diary of A Mad Black Woman. If you have not seen this movie you need to see this movie!)

Lately God has been revealing to me that life may turn out differently from how I want it to. There will be times when I will fall flat on my face and there is no remedy capable of curing my shattered ego. There will be times when joy and blessings will come upon me and sorrow and pain will entire the lives of my family and friends, and vice versa. Sometimes circumstances, good and bad, will happen that cannot be explained.

I read the parable today of the cost of being a disciple of Christ. It is so hard!! Sometimes it feels like it gets a little harder everyday. But then I remember all the good God has done in my life. I don't even have to consider the big stuff to consider walking with Christ an honor and a privilege. He sends me poetry through sunrays and cloudy days (I love how this kinda rhymes he he!). When I look out at the ocean and see teal waves and a water resembling beautiful crystal as the sun gloriously shines down upon it, I know that God finds me more lovely and amazing than the scene before my eyes. This still baffles me! When I have a horrible day and a fleeting thought enters my mind of "Oh I really wish I could hear some encouraging words right now," and the next second somehow God will act as my DJ and play me my favorite song or a song with some powerfully relevant lyrics. That leaves me floored! Also this one is so silly and some people would say coincedental, but I don't believe in coincedences, so I personally love when it rains on days when I am required to take a test in a class. It makes me want to be in the classroom and makes me think that maybe my testtaking ability will be the glow. Silly I know, but everytime I take a test on a rainy day I do exceedingly well! I go into the test knowing that God is with me, and it makes my nervousness go away. However, my utmost favorite thing that God does that makes me His girl: He loves me and not only does He love me, but He shows His love for me each and every moment of each and every day! Sometimes I catch Him in the act and other times I don't find out how amazingly aware He is of my wants and needs until later. Right now Tenth Avenue North Song, By Your Side, has reminded me of God's presence and His promise to remain by our sides in the toughest of times, which is when I need Him most and lose sight of Him the quickest.

There are certain areas of my life I just wish could would reveal to me. You know? I hate not knowing me. I hate having to trust that in my past, present, and future He has a purpose. Don't get me wrong I think that that is an awesome promise, but it is hard believing in it when you feel like there are certain areas that God has forgotten about applying it to. Yet I usually find that those are the areas that Jesus is chiseling away at the most. I just need to have faith. This is where it sucks to be me. Having faith for other people in God, no problemo, but having faith that I am not the exception and that God will provide for me in my 'neglected' areas....Stay tuned.

P.S. I just realized how random I am and how I can go on and on about things. I am so glad I am NOTHING like this in person. lol
P.P.S. (he he that says pp. Okay seriously, wow! I have the attention span of a monkey...mayb even less...I digress)Here are the lyrics for Tenth Avenue North's song: By Your Side. Check them out because they are amazing!

Why are you striving these days
Why are you trying to earn grace
Why are you crying
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away
Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run
To where will you run

Chorus:
And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

Look at these hands and my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life
I want to give you life
(Chorus 2x)
Cause I, I love you
I want you to know
That I, I love you
I'll never let you go
(Chorus 2x)
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posted by Sarah @ 3:00 AM