I took a walk around campus on Thursday, and these were some of my thoughts:
FSU has some awesomely amazing trees for a treehouse. Walking up to the capital and back I saw so many! A treehouse is just one of those things that I never had as a kid and still have a fascination with as a 'grown up' (I may have reached my full physical height, but I still have a looooong way to go in Christ!). Growing up in NY city, treehouses are a rare breed. However, the one thing New York City has is some of the greatest parks in the world (I can say this now cause I have been to quite a few places and New York parks are still the best, though London's parks especially St. James hold a special spot in my heart). When I moved to my neighborhood in the Bronx, they had just renivated it, so they put in brand new jungle gyms, swing sets, slides, basketball courts, racquetball courts, and so on. My favorite feature, though, was the sprinklers. They were in the shape of 2 frogs and they spit gushes of water out of their mouths. I actually spent one of my birthday there with a group of my friends. I think it was my 8th birthday, but I don't really remember because those ages kind of merge together to create one universal age of childhood. Anyways, those sprinkers on a hot July day were the saviors of my hot red (I'm Irish, so more like purple) skin. It amazes me how a day in the park, a day out in nature with God still restores me. Over spring break I went to the park a couple of times, and it is so much fun soaring toward the sky on a swing. The park I live near is right next to a main road, and I always start to laugh when I think about all these passerbys seeing this 5'10 girl getting so much delight out of a swing. What can I say I love the sensation of flying :)
Those thoughts made me remember that verse about God wanting us to be like children as we approach His kingdom (check out Mark 10:13-16). I get what that means after spending some time on a swing and taking time in my busy afternoon to walk around and look at the trees as huge fortresses like I did as a child. Sometimes I get lost in all the things that have to get done that I forget about my heart and its wishes. Thank God I serve the One who does not forget and who speaks directly to it. He awakens my inner child, the one who didn't concern herself with where she would be next year or what the next 20 years would hold for her. She just wanted to live. That is the message that God shared with me and I want to share with you: Don't forget in all the business to take the time to live. It is that whole idea that when people find out they are dying, which in a way we all are because none of us are guaranteed the rest of today let alone tomorrow, they wish for more time to spend with family and friends. They want more time to interact heart with heart, not more time to make that first million. I love how Disney I sound lol, but seriously when God leads our hearts we need to follow, otherwise we miss out. I could spout on more and more about this, but instead I am going to take my own advice and follow my heart out the door to this glorious day that the Lord has made!
Thank God...for God!!
Lately I have been feeling really good. I have been struggling with some reoccurring issues the last few weeks, but a couple of days ago God's voice finally broke through and got my full on attention. Before I left to come back to Tallahassee, I decided to check out the devotionals at the Daily Bread website. The focus was on Romans 8 and these two verses struck me and my situation:
26In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. 27And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will.
So many times I find myself wrestling with what I am supposed to pray for. Do I pray for what I truly want or do I need to pray for the strength to live without it? It is so comforting to know that the Holy Spirit goes through the pain with me and knows how to pray for me because He knows what I need. These simple words gave me complete trust in God. In the past my favoirte verse was Jeremiah 29:11, but over time it slowly lost its meaning for me. Sure God knows the plans He has for me, but I felt completely helpless and utterly alone in my pain. Yet in Romans the Holy Spirit struggles and groans more than I do with my requests. He puts my deep longings into words and presents them to the Father. He knows God's will and intercedes for me to Him.
This week is going to be a tough one, but at least I know that I am not alone in tackling all the work.
Also I know I need to be more open to God's will and how it may differ from my own plans. I am terrible at letting things go. Being open and vulnerable (meaning that I just might end up flat on my face) is not really my strong suit. It seems when I want and need to be vulnerable and open the most I shut up and enforce my master fortress of apathy. I have this great complex of believing that I don't deserve what I want most and when God says 'go for it' I somehow end up running in the other direction. So that is just completely frustrating. But it's all good because I know my God is good and I can now say with full confidence I trust in Him and know firsthand that He will deliver me from this like He delivered me from all my other insane wrestling matches.
It is not easy to be green...or peachy-pink
You know what sucks?! Being me!! Okay if you know anything about me and my writing style you should know by now that I use way too many hyperboles. However this is NOT an hyperbole! Okay you should also know by now that as laidback as I am in person, in my head I am the biggest drama queen. It fits well with the way I overanalyze every stupid thing that happens in my life. UGH!!
I didn't say my life sucks. It is simply me. Just Sarah that completely and utterly drives me CRAZY!! I don't even know where to start. When did I get to be so...blah?!! (Just because I am an English major does not mean I have to use actual words...sounds work too!) Right now I am visiting Baltimore and it is a beautiful city. Yet why do I keep waiting for my life to begin?! Sitting here in my hotel room I wonder when I will actually feel alive. I don't even want to right down the last time I felt alive, the last time I felt like there was something more to my life.
Sometimes in my gut I get this feeling that God wants me to do something. The poor Guy has to practically smack me over the head (just a wee bit better than being thrown into the belly of a whale like my equally stupid pal Jonah). Then I do it, but I do it almost hoping that midway God will pull an Abraham-Isaac situation. God's voice will cry "Sarah, you do not have to do this. Your planning has proved enough." Even as I write this, I feel like screaming "Are you flipping kidding me?!" You know why I love serving God, He requires every last bit of me. You know what I hate about being in love with God, HE REQUIRES EVERY LAST BIT OF ME. See I am very good at conserving things. When I was kid my little brother and I would each get the same amount of cookies or brownies (we knew this because we counted and screamed the number aloud. If they were not the same, heaven forbid!), but see I liked to hide my dessert and wait until after my brother had eaten his before partaking of mine. Yes I realize how childish this is, but it is also completely hilarious! I would take mine out and my brother would be like "Hey, can I have one?" And my favorite reply: "NO!" (I am a lot nicer to my brother now. Now I will gladly share my stuff with himor he will beat me to the punch and eat my restaurant leftovers before I do, so I think we are even) Basically the point of the story is I enjoy holding things back. It is a matter of pride for me. I have self-control. Control. A word I live by. The sad thing is I think I conserve things too much. I end up preserving things. One of my favorite lines from a movie is : "Sometimes God is trying to tear apart the very things we are trying to hold onto"...or in other words preserve. (This line comes from
Diary of A Mad Black Woman. If you have not seen this movie you need to see this movie!)
Lately God has been revealing to me that life may turn out differently from how I want it to. There will be times when I will fall flat on my face and there is no remedy capable of curing my shattered ego. There will be times when joy and blessings will come upon me and sorrow and pain will entire the lives of my family and friends, and vice versa. Sometimes circumstances, good and bad, will happen that cannot be explained.
I read the parable today of the cost of being a disciple of Christ. It is so hard!! Sometimes it feels like it gets a little harder everyday. But then I remember all the good God has done in my life. I don't even have to consider the big stuff to consider walking with Christ an honor and a privilege. He sends me poetry through sunrays and cloudy days (I love how this kinda rhymes he he!). When I look out at the ocean and see teal waves and a water resembling beautiful crystal as the sun gloriously shines down upon it, I know that God finds me more lovely and amazing than the scene before my eyes. This still baffles me! When I have a horrible day and a fleeting thought enters my mind of "Oh I really wish I could hear some encouraging words right now," and the next second somehow God will act as my DJ and play me my favorite song or a song with some powerfully relevant lyrics. That leaves me floored! Also this one is so silly and some people would say coincedental, but I don't believe in coincedences, so I personally love when it rains on days when I am required to take a test in a class. It makes me want to be in the classroom and makes me think that maybe my testtaking ability will be the glow. Silly I know, but everytime I take a test on a rainy day I do exceedingly well! I go into the test knowing that God is with me, and it makes my nervousness go away. However, my utmost favorite thing that God does that makes me His girl: He loves me and not only does He love me, but He shows His love for me each and every moment of each and every day! Sometimes I catch Him in the act and other times I don't find out how amazingly aware He is of my wants and needs until later. Right now Tenth Avenue North Song, By Your Side, has reminded me of God's presence and His promise to remain by our sides in the toughest of times, which is when I need Him most and lose sight of Him the quickest.
There are certain areas of my life I just wish could would reveal to me. You know? I hate not knowing me. I hate having to trust that in my past, present, and future He has a purpose. Don't get me wrong I think that that is an awesome promise, but it is hard believing in it when you feel like there are certain areas that God has forgotten about applying it to. Yet I usually find that those are the areas that Jesus is chiseling away at the most. I just need to have faith. This is where it sucks to be me. Having faith for other people in God, no problemo, but having faith that I am not the exception and that God will provide for me in my 'neglected' areas....Stay tuned.
P.S. I just realized how random I am and how I can go on and on about things. I am so glad I am NOTHING like this in person. lol
P.P.S. (he he that says pp. Okay seriously, wow! I have the attention span of a monkey...mayb even less...I digress)Here are the lyrics for Tenth Avenue North's song: By Your Side. Check them out because they are amazing!
Why are you striving these days
Why are you trying to earn grace
Why are you crying
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away
Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run
To where will you run
Chorus:
And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you
Look at these hands and my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life
I want to give you life
(Chorus 2x)
Cause I, I love you
I want you to know
That I, I love you
I'll never let you go
(Chorus 2x)
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A New Day
I love being on break! I can wake up insanely late and actually enjoy the day rather than just pushing myself through it. Vacations are all about renewing interests, at least for me. It has been a long time since I have read the parables of Jesus. It is amazing how a couple of years can change my interpretation of one. In my critical issues class, we discuss how great literature has a reputation of sustaining itself and providing something insightful to each generation that reads its pages. All I have to say is The Bible goes beyond this! Every time I open it I get something completely new. It is like it is living, breathing. One of my favorite expressions that I use when I come across something that has God written all over it and it is exactly what I needed to hear or see in that moment is “That is way too relevant.” Those moments go beyond coincidence. It is like He is standing inside my heart and hearing its cries.
You know what I just realized the word “hear” is in the word “heart.” It is one of my biggest pet peeves when I have to repeat important information simply because the other person chose not to listen to me in that moment. God ‘hears’ me. That expression sharing one’s heart with another has new meaning for me. When I am sharing my heart I am speaking and the other person is hearing my words, hearing the cries of my inward most self.
I read the parable in Luke 7 about the debts being wiped away. He asks his host which debtor is more grateful for the forgiveness of past debts, the one who has little or the one who has MUCH? The Pharisee replies the one who has received the most forgiveness. Jesus shares this story because a woman, a past adulterer, came in and washed his feet with her finest perfumes and dried it with her hair. The host and the other guests saw this as completely scandalous and I am not going to lie I probably would have reacted the same way. It still shocks me, but it also gives me amazing insight into the heart of Christ. I could only imagine how I would react if someone offered to pay off my school debt with no strings attached. I would jump for joy, probably cry because I do that when I feel an excessive amount of emotion all at once. However, the debt paid for this woman goes beyond monetary. Jesus saved her from herself, from the grips of Hell. Luke 12:4-5 says it best: “I tell you, my friends, do not be afraid of those who kill the body and after that can do no more. But I will show you whom you should fear: Fear him who, after the killing of the body, has power to throw you into hell. Yes, I tell you, fear him.” This woman lived out this verse. She knew the pain she once felt. She knew complete emptiness from a lifestyle that only leads further away from what God’s love desires for us, which is an intimacy with Him. She ran to Him and offered Him all of her because He first loved her. Matthew Henry commentary remarks how God’s love was the motivating power behind her actions. His love produced the after effect of her turning from her lifestyle so that she could be with Him.
Wow! I don’t know what to say in response. Basically what I took away from this parable is that Jesus desires all of us. He wants us to come to the realization that there is no sin that can separate us from Him. He paid the price and all we have to do is accept His love for us. Also I took from this that I am not to judge Jesus simply from a human perspective. This woman could have looked at Jesus’ offer of love as another ploy to take advantage of her. Instead this woman saw Jesus as the Son of God in human form. She offered him all of her because she knew He was the only one worthy of all she had to give. Her past transgressions did not kill the new heart Jesus offered her. It also explains to me why the Pharisees saw her action as more than just shock, but as appalling. In their eyes she was throwing herself at just another man because they refused to acknowledge Jesus as the Son of God. Yet He being the Son of God changes everything. He was not just another man, he was THE MAN.
Jesus simply amazes me, and it is so nice to be amazed by something fantastic in this day and age.
Hello! It has been a lot time since I have sat down to blog. Eventually I will scan some of my journal entries from Europe. So many things happened over there, and they all were for the good. All I can say is God used my time over there to provide some major healing to my life and a release from past fears.
I went over there thinking I knew exactly what I wanted and how to get it. But when I came back I realized how little I actually know and how my plans usually fail and leave me feeling dissatisfied. London gave me the chance to dream again.
Okay moving on from London...today I went to the park and played on the swings. I love swings! The sky was perfect today! Full of big, puffy clouds and the sun playing peek-a-boo behind all those gorgeous clouds. When I am on a swing, I feel as if I am souring straight into the sky. I think it is the closest I will ever get to flying in this life.
Being on swings takes me back to this innocent place. It is just God and me. Nothing else matters. No one else matters. Today I realized how fortunate I am to be where I am. In the car coming home from the dentist (yuck! Even though I am not one for cavities I hate the dentists! It is just sitting there and doing nothing...yea not really for me!) I heard His voice calling me away to join Him in the park. Sometimes I wish I could look down at my phone and see the new text message alert and when I view it that I have new text message from Jesus. Yet I have something so much better. His heart runs straight to mine. It is like an invisible version of that game where you have two cups attached with a string and the participants can hear one another from one cup to the other. In that game when you get too close to the other person the string lags and the two can no longer hear one another through the cups, and that is usually because they are situated too close together. That is how it is with God and me. Sometimes I can hear His Voice resound in my heart so clear and other times when I truly need Him I don't Hear His voice, but those are the moments when He lets the string lose its tightness so He can move closer to me and take me in His arms.
When I got to the park I walked toward the swings and as soon as I sat on it I was wrapped in His love. I know how vague a statement that is, so I will do my best to describe it in words (Warning: I will fail miserably in this task! P.S. Isn't it awesome how all fail miserably in attempting to put God's love for us in words?!) Everyone's comparison will be different, but for me the feeling resembles how I feel when I am excited about something. I get giddy and start to giggle and smile. Another example that is a bit more personal: you know when you first start to like someone, you start getting antsy when you are around him (writing form the perspective of a girl cause that is what I am :)? You find yourself going to events or places just because you find out they
might be there. You just want to be around them as much as humanly possible because you feel alive in that person's presence. So many emotions and feelings run wild. One second you are super excited, then anxiety sets in because you start to wonder if he will really be there and, most importantly, if he will notice you. Okay that feeling of being acknowledged in the most guaranteeing way is what I felt today. I felt beautiful and irreplaceable, which is really what every girl wants to feel (Side note: all that feminist crap is exactly that: crap! Many of the principles are an attempt to appease broken hearts and shattered faces). The King of the Universe who could have any young woman chose to spend an afternoon with insignificant me, and in the process made me significant. So much of the time I forget this. I forget that I am living out the ultimate romance. Anyways, I just wanted to share that with whoever decides to read this blog. I truly believe that God wants to have moments like this with all of us. He wants to be the hero, not just in general. He wants to be each individual's
personal Savior.
So basically my life is awesome! For the first two months of this semesterI focused so much on...well....ME! To tell you the truth I am so over me! And guess what?! Once I stopped thinking about me life became FANTASTIC!!! Each day I look for something special to do for another person. Whether it is writing notes or text messages to friends or family members just to share how much they mean to me (I love, love, love doing this! Have I told you that I LOVE doing this?! lol), talking with the sales associate at Walmart about something more substantial than how we both feel at the given moment (by the way the response is always, "I am doing well" because most people don't care about the response. Just another side note!), basically anything that lets another person know "I see you and love you, and more importantly Jesus sees and loves you." I share this with you not because I am the new Mother Theresa. Mother Theresa wasn't even Mother Theresa! No one is perfect, all face plant before the cross. Jesus loves me so much that I have all this love to pour into people's lives. Without Him I would be on a very unsatisfactory journey of just trying to fill my own thirst for love and acceptance. However, with Him I have the ability to share with all! Also me giving isn't really an unselfish task. I love that high feeling I get after giving some of my love away. It is the best adrenaline rush ever!
So much is happening in my life, and I will need to write more journal entries and postings so I can remember this time and cherish it.
