Everybody has that person he/she tries to emulate, especially when you are a child. As a kid I don’t remember trying on my mother’s high heels or taking her boldest lipstick and smearing it on my face. I didn’t see the physical as how a woman was a woman. Yes, I knew then that men and women had different body parts than one another, but I didn’t think that heels made the women who wore them beautiful. A hidden, mysterious quality made them lovely and irreplaceable in this world.
Actually it is quite humorous because I associated guys more with the physical. I remember watching my dad shave his face once, so when I was 8 I gave it a go. Luckily I didn’t do too much damage. As a kid I admired the men in my life for their physical strength. They could do things that my body was too little or skinny to do. When my younger brother was in Pre-K he told all his fellow classmates that my dad lifted 30 tubs at work that day…all at once! Yes, my dad did lift 30 tubs at work, but not all at once; however, that idea never entered my brother’s head. Some girls are not as blessed to have a father, who can show them the joys of growing into a woman. At 13 I was so awkward and moody. My God was I moody! Personally, I’d rather a kid stay 2 for 2 years than have to raise a girl at 13. I cried at the drop of the hat and I am not just talking figuratively. During that time my dad demonstrated his spiritual strength, which I learned was even more valuable than his physical. I love that my dad has physical strength, but I love it more that he ‘weight-trained’ me spiritually. He would look up Bible verses for me and one time after a huge fight with a friend he gave me a card that just reminded me to lean on Christ through the trials. It made me feel special for who I was in that moment, and not who I might transform into.
My dad is always going to be the first guy that loves me as me. He doesn’t expect me to pound make-up on my face or dress to the nines. He loves me sitting on the couch laughing my head off at something absolutely ridiculous. He loves me when I call home and question what it is God wants me to do with my life. I know that because of my father I was able to have a relationship with Christ at such a young age. He demonstrated what God the Father’s love is for me. Unlike the cliché saying of “my father catches me when I fall,” that is not necessarily true; however, my dad was there to help me get back up after I fell. I chose to make decisions that I knew might backfire on me and my father would offer his council, but he didn’t try to force me to see everything his way. When I call and tell him he was right, he doesn’t shove it in my face, instead he offers me grace. He doesn’t need to say you messed up because I am already living out the consequences.
On the other hand my mom gave me a spirit of adventure. Though I am definitely a planner, I also like to just go out and just live it up. As a kid I remember crawling up in my parent’s bed and asking her to tell me stories about her childhood. I think it is my mom more than anyone that gave me a love for telling stories. It is a gift to be able to tell a good personal story. I have met people that have lived interesting lives, but they don’t know how to express it or make you feel what you felt in that moment. My mom taught me by example what details to include and highlight to capture an audience and bring that moment back to life. The more I learn about her the more I realize I am like her in that way. Last summer we went to New York together and her childhood friend/sister Vicki shared how my mom would do comic routine of her Irish mother talking about Olay products. In my group of friends I can definitely break that out. I remember when I had bells palsy, a fun illness that makes half your face go paralyzed for six weeks, I would go to the mall and tell people I got botox just to see their expressions, while my friends are trying not to laugh at my ridiculous antics.
Another thing my mom taught me is that women are more than just their appearances. In a world where flawless skin and a scale that reads 105 pounds are the measures of beauty in a woman most girls fall short. My mom is a beautiful woman both inside and outside that taught me that beauty is what you make of each day and how you allow God to move in your life and stir your dreams to actions. It is about the kindness you give to people that don’t always deserve it and won’t remember to say thank you, it is about smiling at people when you pass them on the street because you never know if you are the only bright face they will pass that day. Growing up my mom and dad didn’t have it easy, but they don’t focus on that or use it as an excuse.
Even though it is Father’s Day today, I decided to write about both my parents. Good parents are a blessing from God and too often I know I forget that. We take advantage of the people that we love the most and the ones who love us the most because we have already attained their love and affirmation. My new goal is to appreciate the people who pour love into my life and not focus on ‘earning’ love from others. Today give your dad a call and remind him how awesome he is and what he brings to your life. If you live with your dad run up and give him a huge hug. Also there are men out there that are not our fathers or dads in general, but they provide us that same type of connection to the Father’s love and they should be appreciate and savored. I am grateful for celebrations like Father’s Day because they remind me to take time and appreciate love in all its forms. God really must be big because after all He is Love and Love is…WOW!
He loves me as Sarah
For so long I have been 'surrendering' my life to God. Tonight I realized how many problems that phrase can cause. In my mind, unconsciously, it presented God as this all-powerful figure that despises me. See if you think about it, surrender is a term that is used in history lectures to describe the action committed by the losing side to the winning side a.k.a the one they fought against, their enemy. Now I understand why I have been so resentful. I kept looking at it as me losing. If you know me, you know I HATE losing. I have never met a person, who says "yea losing is so much better than winning. I hate that rush winning gives you. Nah, give me that complete rush of disappointment!" Yea right! See having a relationship with Christ is not what that is about. God is not our enemy. We aren't losing. By choosing Christ you actually win!
God doesn't hate us. He despises the sin within us. He hates how it causes us unrest and pulls us further away from His redeeming love. Our battle is not against God. The battle is against the sin inside of each us. It is against the voice that says God could never love you. It is against the voice that tells you to run from God and find satisfaction in the physical, in the now. God is our ally. No, He is even more than that. He is the 'secret weapon.' We only win because of what He offers. For so long this has been me: "Okay God... I guess I will go ahead and do this even though I think I would be happier if I were on the same track as that person (pointing randomly) or if You prepped me a little bit better. Hey, why do I have to do this again?" The sad thing is I am not even kidding. For so long I have lived in this pit of self pity (maybe that is why the word pity has the word pit in it...hmm...very interesting). When I prayed to God at night I prayed for everyone and knew that He would come through for them, but I wouldn't give Him my heart or any of my desires. I held back the big things. See in my head I changed all the Bible verses to exclude me. For example, "Delight in God and He will give you the desires of your heart...however if this is Sarah born on Pentecost Sunday of 1987 this excludes you."
Even though I grew up singing songs like what "A Friend We Have in Jesus" I forgot that Jesus wanted to be my friend. Overtime He developed into the Big Bully on the playground, when He has actually never been that. It has been Satan that has fed me those lies and I ate 'em up like apple pie. Surrendering to God really means letting Jesus come into the fortress of your heart. Not so two warring sides can agree to terms for a treaty; no, He comes in and offers Himself. He already died for us. Really what more can I ask Him to do? Jesus is NOT the enemy. He is the Savior. He is my Savior. He didn't come to steal, kill, and destroy. Nope that is Satan. Also on a side note I have been reading Harry Potter and in Harry Potter no one likes to say the name Voldemort. Most of the people just want to forget about him. I feel like this is what the Church sometimes does to Satan. Just because you might believe there is no Satan, it doesn't mean he isn't real and that he is not at work. Someone can come up to me on the street and say you don't really exist, guess what it doesn't really stop me from existing on that street and looking at that person like he had way too much to drink! However, what we need to remember is that Satan is not all powerful. God has already defeated Satan. When Jesus Christ died on the cross, His blameless life gave people a choice. People now had the choice to choose eternal life with Him or spend an eternity apart from Him. It shocks me that people choose death over life, but then again people still die from preventable diseases like the measles all because they refuse to receive the vaccination. Then there are people like me who receive the vaccination, but run around in fear that somehow they will catch the measles. That somehow God will become sick of me and not love me.
Tonight I allowed God to see all of me and I stopped caring about trying to look perfect. I stopped trying to be someone else. Heaven didn't open up and the earth didn't shake, but something inside of me felt unchained, unburdened. Jesus, my friend, revealed His love for me and showed me that He doesn't want to battle me or give me plenty of scars so that I can be a good, numb soldier. Instead, He just let me reveal my heart to Him and He lovingly accepted what I had to offer. He loves me as Sarah. What a friend I truly do have in Jesus.
Wait...my favorite verb ever!
The theme of today’s sermon at my parent’s home church was on waiting on God (Wow! Seriously, God you have one awesome sense of humor or my other favorite phrase “That was just way too relevant!”) It is amazing how God uses people, especially pastors, to reach to those who are in need of His words. As a Lit major words are a synonym for life. For me the hardest part of waiting on God is that I can’t always hear Him. Sometimes there are simply no words.
Lately there have been no words. Right now that makes me think of when someone calls my phone and I know I am going to be talking with them in a few minutes I usually don’t pick up. I am a terrible phone person. TERRIBLE! Talking on the phone has never been my cup of tea, instead, I would rather meet you for a cup of tea and talk with you in person :) Maybe God does that with me sometimes. Maybe He is on His way right now and He looks down at His "phone" to see me calling and knows that He is only 5 minutes away, so He will wait until He can see me face to face. To be honest He probably knows that as soon as I hear His voice I am going to start crying hysterically (you know when you have a really bad day and you have your brave face and brave voice going pretty solid and then your mom or dad calls and the whole charade is blown to pieces?!). He waits until He can hold me.
Pastor Mark (I think it is pretty funny how both my parents’ pastor and my pastor is named Mark) talked about impatience is really unbelief in God. It means that you don’t trust God. Over the past few weeks I have slowly had this revelation take place in my heart and mind. See at the beginning of the semester I was feeling so confident in my faith that I actually asked for the opportunity to test my trusting ability (yes I am insane!). Now I am kicking myself cause I realize how much I suck. I can only imagine what my Father is thinking. Thank God He does not think the way we do because in my book I am a failure, but in His book there is hope for me. My journey is only beginning. The one thing I am grateful to the waiting times in my life for is they show me how much I need Christ for everything (by now I would really think this would be branded in my mind, but nope like a sheep my brain capacity is completed stunted).
God does have a perfect plan for my life. I can’t jump ahead or doubt what He is doing. I will have faith that He will deliver me like He has in the past. I know that He wants the best for all of His children. When we need Him most He is there. We just don’t have the eyes to see Him. It reminds me of an activity book I had as a kid. It had this special pen filled with “invisible” ink. If you looked at the paper it looked like no one had ever touched it, but if you used a magical highlighting pen or some tool like that the invisible ink appeared. Right now in my life I would really like that magical highlighting pen to see all that God has written on my life, but now is the time for faith and trust that the invisible will be made known. God will highlight it when the time is right. Right now God is at work in the background of every individual’s life. He is looking to form a relationship with us or to go deeper in that relationship. He is looking to show us the depths of His love. He is fighting the fire-breathing dragons that scald and burn us. One day all will see His majesty and know the price He paid for our salvation. On my 22nd birthday I am still just discovering how deep God’s love is for His children. He will never leave nor forsake me. That is the best birthday present ever!
